Jill's blog: What’s on the Other Side?

An honest account of divorce, resilience and starting again.

I’ve had to ask myself multiple times if I really wanted to write this specific blog. Perhaps selfishly, the answer is yes. One of my favourite things about writing a blog for WLC is that it helps me make sense of my brain. Writing often does. And knowing I’m doing so for a bit of an audience who might connect with what I’m typing helps give it a touch of purpose. Hopefully creating a sense that we are not alone in this world. Even if we don’t know each other…

I am getting divorced.

It’s both a shock and not a shock. This wasn’t a decision we made quickly, or in one conversation. It’s been a reality we’ve been grappling with for the last few years. One I was desperately keen to avoid, yet here I am!

The logistical aspect has thus far been pretty simple. Fortunately, my soon-to-be-ex-husband and I aren’t arguing. We never had really. We are both keeping each other’s needs in mind and are fully aligned on what’s best for the kids. Which is the most important thing to both of us. I’m grateful for those facts. The emotional toll, however, is not so straight forward.

I am a child of divorce. I know how painful it is from that side. But what it is as a person in the marriage that is ending is profoundly different. Grappling with what I could have done differently, managing my inner critic about all the things that are wrong with me that led to this. Feeling unlovable, alone and questioning my value. It’s a constant game of mental gymnastics to not let myself fall to pieces.

This isn’t the reality that I wanted. I don’t want to be a single mom. I don’t want to have to face the undoing of a life I was building with someone who I deeply love. But marriage is of more than one person. When it finally sunk in that I can’t do the work for another person, nor can I change his perception, I had to let it go. I had to realise that staying and fighting alone to save something that could have been brilliant was destroying my self-confidence and self-worth. Two very important things a person must have to make it through this life.

I went back and forth about which version of reality would be better for the children. We both did. Stay together to give the boy the family life neither my husband or I had, or splitting up? We tried the first one for a while. But I’m not great at staying in a state of being when it’s very obviously not working. And he wasn’t either, to be honest.

Burying the pain and the grief every day, rather than accepting the truth and allowing the feelings to flow, was making me irritable, sad and exhausted. So painfully exhausted. Which is not a great way to feel at any point, let alone with two young kids, a career and a household to run.

Typically, I like to end my blogs with some sort of single sentence that rounds up the point of what I’ve written. Bringing it all home into some sort of insightful comment. But I don’t think I can do that this time. I don’t know what comes next. I’m on the precipice of a place that both terrifies and excites me. That makes me incredibly sad but also deeply hopeful.

I guess I just hope that if you also find yourself in this place, have been here previously, or are considering a decision that will bring you to where I am, just know you’re not alone. It’s hard. It’s very hard. But so many things in life are. Some we choose some we don’t. For myself, I have to believe that life will be better on the other side.  What better means? I have no idea. Once I figure it out, I’ll let you know.

Originally from New York, Jill has been in London long enough for her to truly feel like this is home. A feeling she is grateful to have and to share with her two growing boys. On the day to day, other than being a Mom, Jill is a lover of knowledge, creativity and communication. She’s currently the Head of Marketing at a growing financial services firm and recently became certified as a Financial Mindset Coach, which is something she feels particularly passionate about. 

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• Families