Jill's blog: What Do You Want To Be When You Grow Up?

I used to find it amusing that my mother always said she didn’t know what she wanted to be when she grew up. This was for two reasons:

1 - She was already grown up

2 - I (thought) I knew what I wanted to be when I grew up

I threw that ‘thought’ in there because I now have no idea what I wanted to be when I grow up. Sort of…

Whenever I was asked that question as a child, I was well aware that the person asking was referring to career aspirations. Yet the first answer that always popped into my head was “happy.” I wanted to be happy when I grew up.

But rather than delve into that complex mental thought path I want to stick to the intended topic of career.

For years and years of my life I wanted to be an actor. A musical theatre actor, to be precise. Starting from the age of 9 I was working towards it. Studying, auditioning, performing. All of the things that come with the plight of a child-into-adult actor. I’ve had certain notable successes and brilliant experiences, yet the arrival of children, and subsequently Covid, meant that this career path took a sharp left turn into a dead end.

By the time I resigned myself to that fact, it had been over 20 years of the highs and lows of a sometimes-working actor. (Which, side bar, most successful actors are. Sometimes working ones. But I digress…)

After several years away from that world it now strikes me that I’m not sure if it ever made me happy.

It was a hard, painful road to walk at times. The highs were brilliant, life and soul affirming experiences, yes. But the lows - the judgement, the deep-seated want, the giving your all at 110% and often receiving -1000 back, it takes its toll.

Sometimes the things we want the most end up causing us the most pain. The most disappointment. Especially when that thing is so far out of your control and even with talent, skill, passion and consistency it is never guaranteed.

There came a time where I had to genuinely answer the question of why I wanted it so badly in the first place. Partly because I was damn good at it and wanted people to see that. Partly because it feeds my soul in a way some people never get to experience. And partly because my talent and abilities gave me my sense of self-worth. It may have been the only thing that gave me a sense of self-worth.

Which brings me to today. After years of unpacking everything that was wrapped up in that pursuit (and the rest of life) I am now able to see my value beyond that. What is good and wonderful about me that doesn’t only appear on a stage in front of hundreds or thousands of people I don’t know.

I am grateful and proud of aspects of myself that are much more a part of who I am. Elements of me that reflect how I see, navigate and contribute to this world. I am happy in myself for who I am as a soul in a human body. Not because of what I am able to do.

And as a result, I no longer actually know what I want to be when I grow up. I’m sort of okay with that, really, as it means I am open to whatever life throws at me. I can follow the path that gives me the right challenges and lessons, piques my interest or simply feeds my happiness. I don’t need to chase a dream just for the sake of it being the one I always had. I’m free to have a new dream. And though I don’t know what that is yet, I am enjoying the process of exploring my options as they come.

Jill is an American ex-pat living her best English life on the border of London and Surrey. She spends her days pretending she knows what she’s doing, creating some fun things along the way. With a passion for storytelling and the gumption of a New Yorker, she’s raising two cheeky, clever boys with deep imaginations and an annoyingly cunning use of language. With a husband, cat and hamster along for the ride, life is never boring. Even if sometimes a bit too stressful.

Tags:
• Wellbeing
• Careers