Released On 12 June 2025

Charlotte's blog: The Big Care Debate

A few years ago, my partner and I faced a tough decision. My elderly father’s mobility was declining, and since my mother had died, he struggled to manage on his own. We all agreed to extend his house, in order that he could live on the ground floor, with us on the first, to keep an eye on him, with visiting care as needed. Although my partner and I had concerns about his difficult and demanding nature, we felt it was the right thing to do.

After receiving planning permission, construction on the extension began in March last year, with my partner and I managing and paying for the works. Five months in, my dad suffered a severe fall, which we later learned was a major stroke. His behaviour became erratic and aggressive, leading to late-night phone calls filled with demands for our presence and various accusations. The prospect of sharing a house seemed like a big mistake; but we were too far along the path. As my dad’s mobility worsened, my partner spent time caring for him, whilst my father continually refused outside help. My stress levels soared, and I seriously considered taking long-term sick leave or quitting my job altogether, due to my father’s incessant demands. Thankfully, my manager and HR were extremely supportive, helping me find a way to navigate my work commitments.

Two months later, my father experienced another major stroke, this time affecting the opposite side of his brain. After a month in hospital and exhausting daily visits and a forty-mile round journey, he was moved to a rehabilitation unit. Whilst the staff were optimistic about his recovery, he faced serious mental health challenges, including psychotic episodes with traumatic hallucinations and paranoia, which also impacted his physical recovery. We eventually placed him into respite care, hoping to eventually get him back home. However, he became increasingly accusatory, convinced we were plotting against him and refused to grant me Lasting Power of Attorney, leaving me very worried about how to pay for his care when my funds ran out. He refused to pay the care home fees, accused my partner and I of extortion when we told him how much care at home would cost and demanded that we pay him the equivalent amount in rent! He also threatened to sell the house with us living in it, advising that we wouldn’t have ‘a leg to stand on’ regarding the finances, as nothing had been put in writing and he decided that he had never agreed to the works! Although his bank initially agreed to release funds for his care, they later back-tracked on their decision after his doctor assessed him as having mental capacity.

Despite the care facility having a good quality rating, the hygiene and care levels were poor and my dad kept himself isolated in his room. His psychosis and the accusations worsened and we became increasingly concerned that our investment in his property was at risk, should there become a need to access his estate for care fees. Just as I decided to step back from the situation to protect my own well-being, in January of this year, my dad suffered three major seizures, leading to another long hospital stay. He lost most of his remaining mobility and struggled to communicate. His behaviour became even more alarming, including threats of violence towards me. Despite my reluctance to do so, I eventually insisted on anti-psychotic medication.

We hoped to stabilise my dad’s mood and behaviour so that he could return home, but it became apparent that care at home would entail two live-in carers, plus additional visiting care, which would cost more than double the fees of a good nursing home. In addition, I still didn’t have Power of Attorney, so once my money ran out, there was more chance of the authorities stepping in to help in a nursing home, whereas once he was at home, the burden of care would have immediately fallen upon me and my partner when the funds dried up.

We were very fortunate to be able to transfer him to a really good nursing home, where he has received excellent care. The staff are attentive, organise social activities and even take the residents on outings. Although my dad is still dealing with hallucinations and paranoia, his condition has become much more manageable. With a diagnosis of Alzheimer’s with Mixed Dementia, the stark truth is that his health will only worsen. Whilst he still expresses a desire to return home and we do feel that he might be more relaxed there, we believe the care he is now receiving and the quality of life he has are better than what we could provide. Perhaps selfishly, we also feel a need to preserve our own sanity and are unsure that we would be able to cope with him at home. I have managed to get my father to agree to sign a direct debit for his care costs, which has greatly eased some of my worries and am working with a solicitor to try to protect our financial investment.

Before moving my father to the nursing home, my partner and I had not had a holiday for a year and a half. Since his admission, we’ve been able to enjoy a week in Cornwall, without the constant pressure of caregiving. It has been a huge relief to reclaim some of our lives, whilst knowing he is well cared for.

This journey has shown me how challenging it can be to take on the responsibility of caring for a parent, particularly one with dementia. My advice now for those in a similar situation, is to seriously consider how this might affect your own wellbeing before agreeing to look after an elderly parent. I also strongly urge everyone to make sure that both their parents and they have a Legal Power of Attorney put in place, to save a lot of potential stress later on, and to also get any big decisions put in writing!

See the Carers Resource Hub for more support on this topic

Charlotte is a member of ‘Take a Break’, an inclusive employee-led committee in one of the UK’s leading insurance companies. The group brings together employees who have caring roles outside of work, to share challenges, advice and ideas and to support one another.