Barbara's blog: The Places We Belong

Barbara reflects on the courage it took to uproot her own life, twice.

In Young Money, writer Jack Raines says that every young person should blow up their life at least once, not by ending up in jail or rehab, but in an “I’m willing and able to uproot foundational aspects of my life and try something new” way.

Like the author, I have blown up my life twice.

The first time was when I decided to move to the UK, with everything I owned in a suitcase but, unlike Paddington Bear, without a marmalade sandwich under my hat. The day I left, I walked along a dual carriageway to the airport, dragging my luggage behind me, too broke to afford the bus fare.

The second time, I resigned from a perfectly good local job to accept a London-based policy role at the aviation regulator. While this does not, initially, seem like a big deal, I had two children aged four and five, a live-in au pair, and a husband who worked shifts. If you factor in the 6 a.m. commute and the higher expectations that come with a completely new role, you can immediately see why this decision would count in the ‘blow up your life’ category, especially considering that the family’s already precarious balance would be turned upside down as well.

I came through the second instance unscathed. The family survived the upheaval, mostly because I overcompensated by being truly present when not at work; the role turned out to be great; and the organisation was better than I expected. I still work there now.

The first instance, on the other hand, not only blew up my life, it also profoundly changed me, eventually for the better, but not before a traumatic start. I left home against my mother’s wishes to move to the UK. As a shy introvert, I had always struggled to connect with people. With hindsight, it is clear that part of the reason for this was that I was overshadowed by my mother, who was strict and manipulative and tended to limit my freedom to socialise. Mum did value education, though, so I was allowed to spend a year in London at art school. Away from her shackles, I blossomed, made friends and found love. For the very first time in my life, I felt like I belonged and could be myself, without Mum constantly telling me what to think.

But the course ended and Italy beckoned. I went back for a few months, but I had changed and found it difficult to return to my old life. For a while I tried, but I felt like an observer looking in, never fully committed to what was going on. I lasted two months and then left. Walking to the airport, I once again felt free, full of nervous excitement for the future.

While reflecting on my own experience, I wondered whether Son and Daughter have ever considered, or will ever consider, blowing up their lives. What catalyses that decision? And does it have to be drastic?

You could argue that the two instances mentioned above are very different and arose from different states of mind. When I left home, I was deeply unhappy. I was also 19 years old, equipped with the sort of fearless and delusional optimism that blesses youth, and determined that I would rather regret a decision than not make it. I would simply deal with the consequences, because my desire to be where I felt I belonged was stronger than the knowledge that there was no going back once I closed the door behind me.

When I changed role, on the other hand, there was nothing wrong with my life as it stood. I simply wanted to use my education, challenge my intellect and find more purpose in my work. The driving force behind that decision was a rational belief that it would bring positive change in the medium term, rather than desperation.

Have I raised Son and Daughter to be courageous decision-makers? I hope so. I also hope, however, that they make decisions not through suffering but with the knowledge that they are supported if things go awry. I don’t know whether having a safety net and making brave decisions are mutually exclusive, but I do know that the common denominator between my experiences was a profound desire to belong, both socially and professionally.

Son recently decided to take a job instead of going to university. It didn’t uproot foundational aspects of his life, but it still required him to take a path less travelled, and that in itself is brave. Daughter chose to study fine art and painting, knowing that it is a sector where true success is rare, but she felt strongly that it was her calling and accepted the challenge.

It takes courage to make decisions with a high degree of long-term uncertainty, no matter what the catalyst is. When did you blow up your life? I hope you got what you wanted.

Barbara works as an environmental strategist for the aviation regulator and lives a stone’s throw from the South Downs, with her 20-year-old creative daughter, 19-year-old ingenious son and supportive husband.

Topics:
• Career, Work and Identity