Love Languages: How To Show Love So It’s Truly Felt
Understanding Love Languages helps couples feel truly seen and loved.
When we think about what we each need in order to feel loved, it might seem pretty simple. Some kind words, some thoughtful gestures, warm hugs, meaningful little notes. So easy, right?
So why does it often go wrong? As a Relationship Psychotherapist specialising in helping couples to get the spark back, I’ve sat with hundreds of clients saying the same thing: “I know they love me, deep down, but I just don’t ever feel loved. Why can’t they just show it?”. This dilemma can leave partners feeling desperately sad and frustrated, believing their emotional needs have been abandoned by their partner’s thoughtlessness.
Luckily, the solution can be found in understanding the concept of ‘Love Languages’. First coined by Dr Gary Chapman, Love Languages have become a universal way of understanding how love works dynamically in a relationship. There are five Love Languages: Time Together, Words of Affirmation, Physical Touch, Receiving Gifts and Acts of Service. Chapman explains that our emotional needs in relationships are often different to our partner’s, and we can’t just show them love in the way that works best for us. We have to know what they personally need, and deliver love in the corresponding manner.
Let me give you an example.
Ben comes to couples therapy with his wife Sophie, to discuss how they have been feeling disconnected recently. Sophie’s business has been taking off over the last few years and she has needed to do an increasing amount of international travel, which has often cut into their weekends. “I’m so proud of her”, Ben tells me. “but I’m left feeling angry and resentful. It can feel really lonely doing everything at home, and having to go to events by myself. When she is home, I try to be affectionate with her ,but it’s like she doesn’t even care about me”.
Sophie looks devastated. “But I try to show you how much I care about you! I make up for it when I’m back by cooking your favourite meals and taking over on all the chores, even though I’m exhausted. When you reach for me in bed, I’m just so tired I can’t face it. I’m working so hard for all of us, and it often feels like that’s not noticed or appreciated. When I came home with your favourite aftershave and those duty free goodies, you didn’t even say thanks! I can’t even remember the last time you bought me flowers”.
So what’s going on here? Understanding Love Languages can help provide the answers. Sophie is ‘working so hard’ (Acts of Service) and buying him Gifts, but Ben doesn’t feel this as love. Instead he needs Time Together and more Physical Touch to feel connected. On the other hand, Sophie is looking for Words of Affirmation: kind words which help her to feel noticed and appreciated, and also hopes for more Gifts, but Ben is offering her Touch instead which is upsetting for her. Problems like this often occur when one partner offers the Love Language they personally seek, such as Physical Touch or Gifts, whereas their partner needs something different entirely. This can make couples feel misunderstood and even incompatible, even though this is rarely true.
When a couple start to understand their partner’s Love Language, and focus their energy instead on offering love in this way to them, amazing things can happen. When one partner starts to feel loved in a meaningful way, it enables them to find it easier to show love back. Rather than a vicious cycle where no one is feeling loved, you can return to a dynamic where both partner’s are showing love appropriately and feeling loved back. Both partner’s ‘Love Tanks’ are being topped up and their relationship can be reenergised.
If you’re curious about discovering your love language, ask yourself when you last felt truly loved by your partner. What was it in that moment that helped you feel loved? Was it something they did, something that was said, a special gift or a meaningful touch? Perhaps it was just the joy of spending some time together. Not everyone has just one Love Language, but instead it can be the combination of two or more. So if Time Together is impossible logistically, you can find a different route to meaningful connection, through Words or Gifts for example.
Remember, your partner is not a Mind Reader! Just because they love you, doesn’t mean they automatically know how to show love in the way you need. So don’t be afraid to let them know what’s meaningful to you, and very often open, transparent communication like this can in itself hugely improve relationships.
Good luck!
Elinor Harvey
Psychotherapist & Clinical Director of The Relationship Therapy Practice
www.relationshiptherapypractice.com
Originally Released On 29 June 2026