Released On 19 May 2025
Devinder's blog: It Took Me 8 Years...
I am the mother of a child. This means that my son’s needs come first. I wake up and make sure his school clothes have been ironed, his breakfast is ready, his homework has been completed and that I have played whatever game he wants me to play with him. Right now, he is football crazy. I am having to learn about players, what clubs they play for, what position they play in and their overall stats. I appear to be quite versed in all things football and underneath my dining room table sit 17 footballs of varying sizes! A huge part of my life is making sure I get my parenting right. I make sure that I can justify everything I tell him. If I can’t back up my argument, I tell myself to stop. My parenting style is the exact opposite of how I was bought up when I was a child.
I am the main carer of my elderly parents. I visit them 7 days a week, making sure they are ok. This could be by having a cup of tea and a natter with both of them or attending a medical appointment, cleaning their house, sorting out the family bills, making sure my dad hasn’t clicked on any dodgy email links and massaging my mum’s shoulders and arms due to severe arthritis. The list is endless.
I also work full-time, making sure we are financially stable as well as maintaining my own home, car, garden, insurances, bills and cleaning. Again, the list is endless.
And so when I have been rolling out of bed at 5am every day for the last 8 years, I haven’t taken much notice of myself and who I am. Blame it on the lack of time, energy, resource or simply not caring. I go to the school run in my joggers, my hair is combed back and placed in a bun and I don’t wear any make up. I have been out on two night’s out over the last 8 years. My sole goal is to bring up my son in the best way I can and with what resources I have available. Its non-negotiable. I don’t need a man getting in the way. Why would anyone be interested in a solo parent with a child anyway? I simply cannot mess this up.
Recently, I started feeling worn down and feeling overwhelmingly unhealthy. I felt like my heart was giving up. I couldn’t work out if it was an actual heart condition or whether it was simply matters of the heart that were making me feel broken. I explained to myself that we all need to feel connection, closeness and intimacy – it is natural and it has been so long since I felt connected to anyone in that way. I had ignored that part of me for so long that I thought it didn’t exist anymore but it had simply been buried and it had resurfaced. It was this personal state which triggered my change. I had to have some serious chats with myself. I was really stubborn at first! I explained to myself…my son is my life but one day, he will leave me. My parents are my life but one day, they will leave me too. What will I be left with? No-one is going to take care of me, except me. A fighting spirit came over me and I knew that if I didn’t make changes to my lifestyle, the outcome would be bleak. There was no way I was going to let this happen to me. I am worth more than this and I have so much to give.
It had been over 8 years since I actually looked at the state of my post-partum body and belly. I remember being so horrified by the state of my body just after I gave birth in the hospital, I covered it up hoping it would go away on its own. It didn’t go away.
I have always found it really difficult to love myself. I used to feel guilty when I spent time, money and effort on myself. But I am beginning to see huge value in my self-care, my self-love and my self-appreciation. My heart feels lighter and less burdened. I have now incorporated good food into my diet, I have been looking after my skin and I have been addressing my mum tum by exercising much more. Everyday, I am looking and feeling much better about myself. I have also learnt that external validations are meaningless.
The most important thing is that I am doing this for me. Not for my son, not for my parents and not for a man. It is for me.
I just got a little distracted taking care of everyone else that I lost track of myself.
Devinder works in the financial services sector, is mum to a beautiful boy and is on a constant quest to understand the world and everything in it.
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